Monday, February 26, 2007

Who said "Kids Say the Darndest Things?"

If you're old enough to remember Art Linkletter, all I can say is... WOW! What was life like before dirt!!!? (WAIT A MINUTE... I REMEMBER ART LINKLETTER!!!)

Someone sent this to me... you've probably seen it before, but it's worth revisiting!
(FYI... I had to delete #4 because some parts are not church-friendly... it was funny, but not appropriate!)
And NO... it's not meant as a slam against our Catholic friends! They just have more schools than "us Lutherns!" (or is it "WE Lutherns?")

Like they always say on the Food Network... ENJOY!

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[Speaking of the Food Network, the Travel Channel is starting a new series called "Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern" that features a local Minneapolis chef, Andrew Zimmern. I get no kickback, no monetary reward from this... Chef Zimmern goes around the world eating the wierdest food imaginable... stir fried bat, grilled grubs... the one that got me was the live mango tree worm!!! Anyway, his new show starts tonight (03/26/07), so you might want to watch it... you might want to eat earlier so you don't lose your lunch! I tell you, I couldn't turn away... it was like, "No... he's not going to eat that! YIKES!!! He did!" Great job, Chef Z... and great show!]
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Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN; THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED… INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

God's favorite bumper stickers

This is from a magazine called "The Door..." it used to be called "The Wittenburg Door," in reference to the door upon which Martin Luther did a little carpentry work!

Anyway... "The Door" was a religious satirical magazine that "lampooned" anything that smacked of stupid religion; you know, how we as humans, seem to do more harm than good in the name of Jesus. I loved it!

So, here's a sampling of God's favorite bumper stickers:

Grape Juice?

Oh, Evolve!

Allah Allah, in come free!

Put Christ back in Xmas? How 'bout dropping all the co-opted pagan imagery and start celebrating His real Birthday — Aug. 6!

Warning: in case of rapture, I'll be just as surprised as you.

Who died and made you God?

Nietzche is dead.

I practice catch and release.

(And my favorite...)

What happens in Vegas ... still gets back to Me.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Finally!

The Colts win the Super Bowl, but the important news is... PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TO SPRING TRAINING IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!

That means summer is on the way... THANK GOD!

As I write this, it is -12 degrees in Minneapolis... why do we live here again?

Speaking of cold, have you seen this?

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How Cold Is It?

With cold snaps hitting the country and winter upon us comes the following thermometer readings.

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
New York tenants turn on the heat; Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
Californians shiver uncontrollably; Minnesotans sunbathe

+30
You can see your breath; Minnesotans eat ice cream

+20
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA; Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts... YEAH!!!

+15
You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!! Minnesotans go swimming

-15
Miamians cease to exist; Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
Politicians actually do something about the homeless; People in Duluth think about taking down screens

-25
Japanese cars don't start; Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
You plan a two-week hot bath; Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
Mercury freezes, too cold to think; Minnesotans button top button

-40
Californians disappear; Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
Alaskans close the bathroom window; Two Harbors Minnesota Agates practice indoors

-60
Walruses abandon Aleutians; Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens

-80
Polar bears abandon Baffin Island; Girl Scouts in Two Harbors, Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-90
Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles; Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
Santa Claus abandons North Pole; Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
Ethyl alcohol freezes; The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes

-452
Helium becomes a liquid

-454
Hell freezes over

-460 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases; The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed, and Minnesotans alert us as to how it's getting a mite nippy
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Have a GREAT day!